I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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