Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
