Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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