i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
