so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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