Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
