Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
