I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
