i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize