So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
