i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
