I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
