I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
