you traded sex for a burrito?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
