so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
