Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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