I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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