i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
