I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
