You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
