Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
