She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
