I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
