he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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