I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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