He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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