Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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