After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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