Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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