i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
