Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
