in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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