I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Randomize
