my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
