so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We have so much sex to catch up on
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
