be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
