you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize