we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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