why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
