I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
