You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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