Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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