I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
