Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
