The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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