I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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