508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
