i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
