He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
