god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
