that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
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