Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
