your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Send help, water and tortillas.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
