You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
