Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
