awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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