i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
