Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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