Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
