the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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