sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
