my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
