My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize