I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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